How Do You Single?
A new divorcée, Tricia Blosser, interviews real people looking for insights and connection as she navigates her new solo life.
How Do You Single?
Kurt, how do you single?
In this conversation, Kurt and Tricia explore themes of solitude, self-discovery, and the complexities of loneliness. Kurt shares his routines for maintaining mental and emotional well-being, discusses the importance of writing and creativity, and reflects on his experiences with loneliness and connection. They delve into the significance of therapy and personal growth, emphasizing the need for self-awareness and community. The discussion also touches on dating and relationship perspectives, highlighting the value of clear communication and the joys of being single.
You can hear more from Kurt in this recent Unscripted Moments: A Podcast About Propagandhi episode, At Peace by Kurt Morris or any of his Razorcake podcast episodes.
Thanks for listening! Please like, subscribe, review, and/or share on your socials or via text/email if you connected with this episode!
Tricia Blosser (00:00)
Hello and welcome friend. My name is Tricia and I recently ended my marriage of 18 years. As a newly single, middle aged person in a small Midwestern community, I found myself adrift, unsure of what to do with all the time and energy now much more freely available to me. And these questions kept popping into the back of my mind whenever I was conversing with friends and family. But what they all boiled down to is this: how do you single?
Tricia Blosser (00:25)
So I decided to start asking people to share the gems of wisdom they've gained along their journeys.
Tricia Blosser (00:32)
*music*
Tricia Blosser (00:36)
Today's guest is Kurt Morris, one of my oldest and best friends. We bonded long ago over a shared enjoyment of music our parents hated and were nearly housemates about 20 years ago as we both planned to move out of our small Midwest community for the glorious emo life of Seattle. Kurt is the first person I knew that verbalized his plan to not have kids. In fact, that normalization is probably one of the reasons it was easier for me to come to the same conclusion in my own time.
Anywho, let's get to it.
Tricia (01:09)
Kurt, just pretending like I don't know anything, could you share your life's timeline, especially highlighting aspects of your story that pertain to your singleness?
KM (01:12)
Sure.
Well, I mean, you and I were both from the same area in Indiana and went to college in Indiana, went to grad school in Indiana the first time. And when I was in my mid-20s, I moved to Seattle for a few years. then since then, I've lived in Massachusetts since about 2008. And I have dated on and off. I had one relationship that was primarily on, but over the course of about seven years we were together. And since that ended in 2019, I've been, I have dated some here and there, but I've primarily been single. Yeah.
Tricia (02:01)
What are your feelings about that? Like just, you know, I know everybody's sort of on a spectrum of like, I'd rather be here or I'd rather be there or...
KM (02:09)
You mean my feelings about being single?
Tricia (02:11)
Yeah.
KM (02:12) I love it. It's great. I mean, there's obvious drawbacks that I'm sure we'll get to. No situation is perfect, whether you're with someone or whether you're by yourself. But I very much enjoyed it. I enjoyed, think to a large degree when I was with my ex, my partner. And to be clear, we were never married, but we were domestic.
KM (02:33)
We had a civil union in the city that we lived in. I needed the health insurance, so that's why.
Tricia (02:36)
Yeah, God bless health insurance.
KM (02:37) So we might as well have been married. And there was stuff there that, times during that, that it was difficult and times that were really good. She was a really good travel buddy amongst other things. And I think we lived well together. But...
KM (02:54) You know, I also really like being single. It's very, very different in many ways, but I think it's kind of more my default where I go to, given my druthers.
Tricia (03:04)
Mmm, your introverted tendencies sort of.
KM (03:09)
maybe,
but also just my personality type, I think.
Tricia (03:12)
Hmm.
Yeah. That makes sense. What are your working day routines, rituals, highlights?
KM (03:18)
Everything I do in my life, well not everything, but much of what I do in my life is about keeping myself mentally, physically, emotionally well. So, you know, I'm a therapist and I do, you know, that's my day job. I work with college-age students and so, you know, I get up in the morning though and I meditate and then, you know. eat breakfast, that, go to work, come home, usually exercise, try and read, maybe watch some TV.
And so yeah, it's built around like physical, mental, emotional health, spiritual to whatever degree I'm really spiritual. So yeah, it's about just basically keeping myself fit in all aspects as much as I can. I mean, I have the days where I eat a bunch of ice cream, you know.
KM (03:59)
or don't feel like working out because I'm really tired or something. But for the most part, that's how I default.
Tricia (04:03)
That sounds like a good routine. What are some of your non-workday routines or highlights or rituals? Yeah.
KM (04:12)
You mean like weekends or things like that? Yeah. So I always try to get out in nature when I can, least when the weather's not too cold. So I always try to go on a walk or a hike every weekend, at least one of the two days. I do a lot of the same things I do during the week, but I also try to spend time writing or cooking. I like doing both those things. They help me feel a little...
a little more relaxed, something I enjoy.
I usually try to talk to somebody to my family or friends or something on the phone or yeah or go out with with people with friends. So yeah it's it's very similar in many ways but I tend to just try and get outside more on the weekends too.
Tricia (04:53)
You mentioned writing, like do you feel like sort of the creative pursuits are also part of the, I don't know, the things that kind of you feel more relaxed or help you feel less stressed on the weekends?
KM (05:06)
Yeah, actually it's interesting. I was just, I was like a drop in instructor for a class the other week talking about therapeutic journaling and the The instructor
reached out to me and the class involved, it was a writing class and she wondered if I could come and talk about therapeutic journaling.
And I was like, funny, you should mention that because I've been doing research on it anyway for my own personal interest and I've been reading about it, listening to some podcasts about it. And so I just did like a 20, 25 minute presentation on the benefits of therapeutic journaling. And it really does help me out. You know, when I'm confronting something that's difficult in my life. I find writing about it be very helpful. So I don't write or journal every day every weekend even, but like to try and do so most weekends. The writing, especially just writing stories, experiences from my life. about what I'm interested in.
You know, I do zines. I've been doing zines on and off for like 30 years so yeah it's it's just I guess it is kind of therapeutic to some degree but it's also like you know when you're a creative type person it's like you have to do those things like there's really no like I'll do it later it's like sometimes the the writing has to happen or the photography or the painting or whatever it is like you don't really have a choice
Tricia (06:06)
Yep, I get that. How and when do you seek and cultivate connection?
KM (06:29)
I do so when I need to. I probably should do so more than I do.
And that's been something I've realized about myself more the past couple years, especially the importance of connection. So for now, it usually involves reaching out to people who don't live around here ⁓ where I'm at and calling them on the phone the big way I do that right now.
KM (06:51)
But I guess there's connection with coworkers and yeah, mean connection is all sorts of ways, like with my clients there's a connection there, but it's not like a friend connection, obviously.
Tricia (07:01)
Yeah,
it's a very one-way directional relationship there.
KM (07:03)
Yeah, yeah. But it is
an interesting, you know, it can be an interesting relationship because do open up to you and depending on the client, I may open up to them a little bit about, you know, like if they're from a place or they're interested in something, like I can be like, I'm interested in that too. That's really cool, you know, and you connect with them on that way. But, you know, when you're in therapy, it's about the client, it's not about me.
Tricia (07:11)
That makes sense. Yep, 100%. Can you tell us about a time or times when you've experienced loneliness?
KM (07:36)
You know, it's been happening more lately, but I think in the past, it's usually when I don't reach out to people for a long time. And that could be a few days or a week. it's often actually when I am around people too, it can happen...
KM (07:53)
You you have people you socialize with, but then like you go to a show or you go to the movies with someone and you're just like, I would rather be by myself. I don't feel close to this person. I don't feel that connection with this person. So, I mean, it's been happening more lately to me, but most of the time I'm pretty self-sufficient. So I honestly talk to myself a lot, not in like the sense that
I'm insane, but just like I have to talk to myself to keep myself amused and entertained and also to like
KM (08:28)
to get me through things. that helps with the loneliness too, sometimes just talking to myself. But to go back to the original question, I think it's kind of been throughout my life, I felt lonely. You know, since I was a kid, I felt lonely here and there. And sometimes it doesn't happen much. It hasn't happened as much the past few years, but yeah, it can definitely happen.
Tricia (08:50)
Yeah. When you're feeling lonely, what are your sort of go-to thoughts or activities?
KM (08:56)
I've often found just getting outside, being in nature, going somewhere.
somewhere that may be around people, even if I'm not interacting with them. And then also reaching out to friends, family by calling them or texting, but usually calling. That's helpful as well.
Tricia (09:12)
Yeah, like there's something about someone's voice. it's better or different or something than just words on a screen.
KM (09:19)
Yeah, I think that's always true. I'm not like I know a lot of people FaceTime I don't really FaceTime or do zoom calls video chat that much with folks, but I mean guess if people wanted to they could but Yeah, I'm more of like a caller
Tricia (09:33)
Yeah, old school is the best school. *laughing* What are the best parts of being single for you?
KM (09:36)
I get to do what I want, whatever I want, and I don't have to explain myself to anybody. No gods, no masters. It's just like, just decide on a whim sometimes, I'm just gonna go do this thing, or you know what, I'm gonna do laundry right now. I will plan things and I don't have to check with anybody. Like today, this morning, I went on a hike. I didn't have to tell anybody I was going on a hike.
Tricia (10:02)
Mm-hmm.
KM (10:03)
You know, I didn't have to tell anybody like, I'm going here and I'll be back at this time. And I get it, like some people don't mind that. It doesn't feel like an encumbrance to many folks to have to tell people, but it's nice to have that flexibility in one's life. And on the other hand, you give up some of that flexibility, but then you have the stability of a relationship and a partner. And that is really supportive.
KM (10:28)
for a lot of people. I've kind of found that in myself, that stability and the support. So don't feel like I need that as much. And I like having the freedom to do what I want when I want, ⁓ to decorate things in my apartment the way I want to, to know that I can have a lot of alone time if I want to. But I think there's an importance in building community.
KM (10:52)
because then when you do want that social aspect, you can rely on those friends or family or neighbors to spend time with and then be able to come back to your own place and spend time by yourself. So it's mainly like the ability to be free and to not have anyone keeping track of me, which some people may not like the idea of, but.
KM (11:12)
I can if I want to, you I could call somebody and say, hey, I'm going for a hike. Do you want to come join me or I'm going for a hike? Let me call you later today and check in. So I feel like I get a lot of the benefits of community if I want it without any of the responsibility of a relationship.
Tricia (11:20)
Yeah. Yup.
That's key. Okay, so we're gonna put our imagination hats on for a few
KM (11:35)
Can mine be a fedora?
Tricia (11:36) Yes, absolutely.
KM (11:36) Cool.
Tricia (11:37) Mine's a pirate hat with a big long feather.
KM (11:37) nice, yeah I think you'd look good in that.
Tricia (11:38) Yep. So we're gonna imagine that you're going back in time, you're visiting yourself in some of your hardest moments. ⁓ Can you share a little bit of what you were thinking or feeling back then?
KM (11:40)
Yep, boy... It's probably too depressing to talk about. ⁓
Tricia (12:00)
So okay, let's imagine younger Kurt, you appear before him. What does he say to you?
KM (12:06)
He's probably talking about how miserable and depressed and or anxious he is and how pointless life is and blah blah blah like You know like that kind of shit like it just wait can I cuss on here? Okay, great so yeah, it's It's probably just how unhappy he is in whatever language he was using at the time
Tricia (12:30)
Sure. So, if you could go back to that time when you're standing there in front of younger Kurt and you want to give some support or love or encouragement or whatever it is that you feel like that he needs, what do you feel like you would say or do?
KM (12:33)
Yeah, that's tough because when you're when you're depressed when you are anxious Hmm It's it's hard to find You know anything that can just kind of solve that or make it all better so I think I would have
Tricia (12:53)
Yes, 100%.
KM (12:58)
let him, well, see, that's the thing. would probably say like, I'm here for you, but am I? Because I'm going to go back into the future, you know, when the time is done with him with little Kurt in front of me. I guess I would probably tell him like, you know, it gets better over time and also encourage him to plug in to therapy. The sooner the better. Explain how therapy is supposed to work.
KM (13:26)
explained about medications, just a lot of stuff that was, you know, when I was a kid into my teens, like, we just didn't know about, you know, and so like try to educate him on what he can do to make his life better and who the people are that he could go to and trust about to talk to. Yeah.
Tricia (13:40)
Mm-hmm. You mentioned you would tell him the point of therapy or something like that? What?
KM (13:50)
Yes, ⁓
because too many people get into therapy and don't understand what it is or what it's for, what it's about. And I think I was that way for a long time. And I just when I started going to therapy finally, and I was just like, every like the therapist supposed to do all the work. And it's like no one told me it's like, no, it's about me. Like I have to do the work. And I did start to do it. But I would have liked to have started it earlier.
KM (14:16)
You know, I think some people go to therapy and are just like, it's about me telling someone else my problems. And it's like, no, it's about you. Yes. Telling someone else your problems and then working to fix them and putting in the work outside of, you know, the sessions in between sessions to work on your, the difficulties you bring to therapy in the hopes that you can change that to make it better. No one ever really told me that. And I didn't figure that out for a long time.
So not only would I encourage,
Tricia (14:41)
Even in therapy?
KM (14:43)
yeah, even in therapy they didn't tell me that.
Tricia (14:44)
wow.
KM (14:45) Or if they did, I don't remember it. So, yeah, yeah. mean, upfront, people usually should be, I think, that's what I try to do at least with my clients is like if they haven't been to therapy, or after the first or second session, I'll usually explain like, listen, here's how I work.
KM (15:05)
You come to me with a goal and something you want to accomplish. And my end goal is to get you out of here so that you never have to see me again. I mean, you can come back and we can do check-ins and stuff every now and then, but like, whatever. Like I'm a believer in like, you have a problem, let's solve this problem. And I guess that's not, it wasn't something that was ever really explained to me.
And maybe that, and you know, not every therapist practices that way. to get somebody, I would have gotten younger Kurt into therapy and said, listen, here's, here's how this works. so that if you get a therapist that isn't helpful, you know, to say, sorry, I'm going to meet with somebody else.
Tricia (15:28)
Yeah, move on until you find somebody that works with you. Yeah. I... Yeah, that sounds like a really good thing to say to younger Kurt. ⁓
KM (15:46)
Yes, exactly.
Yeah,
I don't know how well he would have listened, I'd like, he was, yeah. I mean, you, knew younger Kurt, so he, he wasn't, he wasn't very good place. Yeah.
Tricia (15:56)
was in a tough place.
I did.
Yeah. are there any thoughts, tips, or favorite activities that you'd like to leave with our single listeners as they build and create their own single lives?
KM (16:06)
Are there any thoughts, tips, or favorite...
I would say that it's important to be comfortable with yourself, to be comfortable in your own skin to whatever degree that's possible and spending time by yourself, creating your own adventures and experiences and finding the joy in them for whatever they're worth. Like I go on weekend trips, like, or just day trips to different areas around New England, for example. I don't go with anybody. I go by myself.
you know, maybe I'll take a few pictures and post them on Instagram or something. But I just like doing the things on my own. That experience. I would say hobbies are a good thing to pick up. And if they're hobbies that you can share with other people, that's cool. I would also say building community is very important. However that looks. And I would also say that it's
You know, if you're single, you can still date if that's something you want. mean, we didn't really get into like dating and singleness. I mean, we can talk about a little bit more if you want, but there's a whole aspect of the world, you know, like I'm not opposed to dating, but I don't ever really want to be like, I don't think I ever want to be like in a marriage. I don't ever want to be married. ⁓
KM (17:24)
or if I do, would look very unconventional. So yeah, I guess those would be some of the tips I would have. But I mean, if you have follow ups to that, can like, you can ask me more and I'm happy to give more details about any of those things. But that's it.
Tricia (17:26)
Mm-hmm.
Sure, yeah, I guess I would
ask about dating, like, what, do you have tips for people that are single that want to date but don't feel like, I don't know, just for some reason it's been difficult? Or, you know, they're newly single and, hello, how do I do this again? You know?
KM (17:51)
Well, the apps are usually good place to start, although I'm very dubious of a lot of them because of things that have come out in the news about reporting about how they keep it so that you don't meet people unless you're paying. Basically, the apps want you to stay on their apps. ⁓
Tricia (18:08)
Yeah, so they want you to keep
not being happy in relationships.
KM (18:11)
Yes,
so they want you to, you know, they make it difficult to find a good fit sometimes. So, I mean, there is that, you can do that way. A lot of people meet other people through friends, through coworkers. So there's all those old school ways that we used to meet people, you know, sometimes people meet at work, they meet at a bar, they meet at a party, that kind of stuff still happens.
Tricia (18:23)
on it.
KM (18:34)
I totally forget your original question, but...
Tricia (18:36)
Yeah, I was going to ask about dating for you specifically because you were
saying like your, you know, sort of relationship style would be unconventional. Do you have difficulties with, I don't know, communicating that or?
KM (18:48)
Yeah, I tend to, I think it's important that if you want to be single and just date casually that you make that clear upfront with people. Like if you're on an app, you know, that you put that in your profile or if you meet somebody, you know, and you meet them in person, I'd say within the first date or two, you probably should bring that up.
Tricia (19:09)
Mm-hmm.
KM (19:09)
and
say, hey, just so you know, like, I don't wanna waste your time, but I'm not interested in anything long-term or here's how I view relationships, how do you view relationships? I would like some more freedom, so I identify this way or that way. Like right now, I think my ideal relationship is basically what old people have when like, their spouse dies?
Tricia (19:15)
Think: Lucy and Ricky like side by side beds?
KM (19:33)
Like when, I don't know, like I've seen this in my, in my, my grandfather, when my grandmother died, he got like a, what my mom used to call a lady friend. And they didn't live together, but they would go out to eat together a few times a week. They would go to like plays together. They'd go, like she would come to our family Christmas and like.
Tricia (19:48)
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
KM (20:01)
vice versa, and like they would just do activities and eat together sometimes and go on walks and stuff. And like, that's kind of what I want, except sometimes there would maybe be sex. I don't want to think about my grandfather having sex. But yeah, I mean, just something really casual and easygoing, nothing serious. I'm much more interested in like,
Tricia (20:06)
Yeah.
No thanks. No thanks.
KM (20:24)
STRs, short-term relationships, then LTRs, long-term relationships. Yeah, I would consider myself a solo type person, but I think within that context, there's room for dating as long as people are communicating upfront what their expectations are.
Tricia (20:38)
Yeah. Yeah,
that makes sense. So maybe if you haven't found that lady friend yet, you just need to get a little older.
KM (20:47)
Yeah, yeah, I need
to probably wait until my 60s or 70s or 80s. So I got a few more decades before that might happen. yeah, because I think at the end of the day, it's like it's nice to have a companion to just do things with, but without the obligation that like you have to be. Yeah, you have to be my everything, you know. And I'm thinking about what you asked earlier about like advice for
KM (21:13)
people who are newly single, just have fun. Like it's not necessary. I mean, I don't think it's about being in a relationship. think, you know, and this is just my point of view, my experience, but we, it's helpful to be comfortable in our own skin. And I see those people who are serially monogamous and it's just like, they can't stand to be by themselves because then they're forced to confront like all their own shit and they don't want to do that.
KM (21:39)
and so they wrap themselves up in another person and they don't attend to their own needs. I'm not saying everyone's like that, but if you're newly single, take time to attend to your needs, your emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual, mental, whatever, explore who that is and then build that community around yourself if you don't have it already. And that way you can still get your socialness, your interactions with folks while also learning more about yourself.
Tricia (21:44)
Kurt, thank you so much. This has been really enlightening and helpful and I'm very excited about all of this stuff.
KM (22:14)
Good, yeah, thank you for having me. I appreciate it. I'm always happy to talk about singleness and all the aspects of it. So this was nice to share some of my thoughts about it.
Tricia (22:24)
Great. Well have a great weekend, enjoy your I might be doing that same thing, that sounds like a really fun plan. ⁓ well, okay. Okay.
KM (22:27)
Yeah, it did.
I actually went on the hike this morning and it was pretty miserable.
It was buggy AF.
Tricia (22:39)
Well then, enjoy your TV watching. Yeah, that's a fun activity as well. Cool. Alright, thanks so much. Alright, bye bye.
KM (22:42)
There we go. Yeah. It is. Yep. Thank you.
Tricia Blosser (22:49)
I hope that you are able to glean some gems from our conversation and will join me next time for a new guest. Please like and subscribe to hear more share with friends far and wide and feel free to text me with questions or any thoughts you had. I'm grateful for you and look forward to connecting sending lots of love your way! If you liked what you heard today and are interested in expanding your perspective on living solo. I highly recommend the solo podcast by Dr. Peter McGraw. How do you single?
is produced, edited, and designed by me, Tricia Blosser,
Tricia Blosser (23:19)
Special thanks to my guest, Kurt Morris.
